"Sorry. My brain doesn't have room for that question right now. I'm gonna need a nap first."

Dan Harm is an athlete, an artist and a father to sixteen illegitimate children.

"People claim that spandex shorts and bike seats are bad for male reproduction. So, once every three months, I like to prove them wrong."

Though a quick background check revealed Dan to be a father to no one, his other two claims carried surprising weight. After medaling at the '07, '08 and '09 National Track Championships, Dan is on a quest to make the 2012 Olympic Track Team.

"My approach is one pedal stroke at a time. I'm working 24 hours a day to make my Olympic dreams come true. And I WILL NOT FAIL. Even if I gotta cram myself into a bike box and sneak on to the airplane, I'm going to the Olympics."

Dan is also a highly accomplished artist. His website, ChasingAfterHarm.com, is an ongoing project featuring him on the road, living out of his truck, spending twelve dollars a day to survive as he documents his adventures traveling and training in various locales around our beautiful country.

Though ultimately from Seattle, WA, Dan is currently a citizen of the road.

Last week he was in New Orleans. The week before that, Arizona. The week before that, Egypt.

The question is less, "Where IS Daniel Harm?" and more, "Where ISN'T Daniel Harm."

Despite Perez Hilton's well publicized claims, Daniel Harm is NOT a porno star. He's also not Hulk Hogan's secret love child, nor Julia Roberts' secret lover.

He was infact once described as, "A breath of fresh air."

Yes, that person was his mom.

No, she is not a smoker.

Why is Daniel Harm?

Well, during the course of this interview, that usually difficult question yielded a blatantly easy answer.

At a young age, Daniel Harm stood out. He was not only six feet tall, but also an odd kid gifted at both art and athletics. However, his athletic abilities did not include the art of coordination. Being able to run fast makes little difference when you drop the ball thrown to you. After suffering tremendous expectation and relentless disappointment at recess, Dan would impress his teachers with his talents in art class. However, the girls were too young to swoon and being good at art isn't usually cool until at least your third year of college. So, back to the question, "Why is Daniel Harm?" It's easy, it's...

Note from the Publisher:

We're very sad to report that the previous writer of this piece experienced a sudden cardiac arrest and died.

Apparently, a steady diet of macaroni and cheese chased with vanilla Frappuccinos are to blame.