Relationships have been on my mind a lot. If you read my last month’s column then you have already heard about how I ended up with toxic fume poisoning and a black eye, all because I have the hots for a sassy 19 year old.

Well, it has been a month and I have already botched my chances with having a relationship with this girl. Yes, her and I have many similarities―the main one being that both of us have a constant electro dance party going off through our head. It also helps that we are both utter bad-asses.

So, how did I ruin it? Simple: I tried too hard. Trying too hard is a damned tendency of mine.

One night, it was about 2am, I was a bit drunk--as I should be at 2am on a Saturday night--and I called her up.

She answered.

I cut to the chase--

“You confuse me.” I said.

“What?”

“You confuse me,” I repeated.

“What does that mean?”

I mumbled, “I don’t know, I just like you.” I paused for a long time, and then finished my thought to her, “and I am having trouble sensing if you feel the same way.”

She was silent for a moment and said coolly, “Don’t worry about it, lets talk about this later.”

That was not the answer I was hoping for. After I put my phone back in my pocket the vodka in my head began sorting through recent memories of my interactions with her. Nearly ever time we had hung out I would always dive into some intense emotional tirade.
You see, I am in a state in my life were I am terribly lonely and completely confused about my purpose in life, and I was heaping all my intense desire for a connection and intimacy onto this girl who is just looking to have fun in life. I was expecting the intensity of a full-blown relationship out of a girl I had just met.

I fundamentally believe that loneliness is part of the human condition. In my own life, I have a solid group of close friends, good relationships with my family, and amazing co-workers and acquaintances.  Yet I still struggle with a debilitating sense of loneliness. Sometimes I believe having an intimate lover will solve this―and in many ways it would―but it would merely be a big band-aid. To properly deal with loneliness you gotta deal with it from the inside.

The obvious lesson behind this debacle is something I have been struggling to swallow for a long time. I am at an age where settling down is unhealthy. At the age of 24 I need to be exploring life, I need to be finding my identity, and my passions in this world. I will have more than enough time to settle down, worry about mortgages, raise kids, have a wife. Now is not the time. I should be worrying about where the next party is at, or where the next adventure lies. In what country? With what people? Where will it lead me next? Does it matter? Just go go go. Learn learn learn.

I am really an advocate for responsible recklessness at my age. I think a bit of debauchery and wildness is fundamentally healthy. In this netherworld between youth and adulthood it is necessary to explore life as much as possible. The more I face my fears and explore life, the more I will begin to know myself and gain identity. Yet, I have a tendency to hold back from this. Or do I? I think I just have an obsession with pushing limits. Or do I?

As I have said countless times before: mistakes are beautiful. Thus, I have made a lot of beautiful things…

And, I gotta learn that the only way a relationship can be sustainable is if it is formed between two whole people who have individual passions and make a consensual decision to be together out of free choice. Not out of loneliness or confusion. Inter-dependency equals sustainability. Co-dependency equals dysfunction and doom. I already learned this from my last relationship. Thus, I have been single for approaching two years now.

So, what am I gunna do? Well, before I can even consider another full blown relationship I need to find what I am passionate about. This is my daily struggle. What am I passionate about? I have to figure this out if I am ever going to be content in life. Luckily I have a few ideas trickling in my head… End of Story.